Guess what, peeps? My new Ironspell Halloween story, The Trouble with Bats, is now available on Amazon and it’s available FREE on Kindle Unlimited. Don’t have Kindle Unlimited? That’s okay, because if you cruise over to Amazon on Halloween or the day after, you can get the book for free! Get it HERE on Amazon!
I know you’ve all been waiting for Elfshot, so the waiting is over! Elfshot is now available on Amazon for $4.99 or you can read it free if you have Kindle Unlimited.
To whet your appetite, I’ve included a sample for you to enjoy. Check it out:
“Excuse me, sir, but your demon appears to be growing.”
I glanced at the harried waitress before looking at Tuzren. Beau Jo’s Pizza was surprisingly packed for the day after the almost Apocalypse. When we arrived, the staff put us on an hour-long waiting list. Other humans and Supernaturals hung out in the bar or stood around us and made idle chatter, totally unaware that the four people who hung out patiently waiting for their name to be called were the same people who saved all of humankind.
We humans are surprisingly resilient creatures, which has served us over millennia, but we also can be totally clueless. There wasn’t even a titter when the server called out my name, Ironspell. It was probably best. I didn’t want to be reminded that even though I stopped a poisonous alchemical gas from killing off all humans, millions had died.
Eventually the waitress seated us at a table which was somewhat in the middle of the room. Which meant just about everyone jostled by us, one way or another. But we were here at Beau Jo’s and, by golly, we were eating the best damn pizza on the planet.
We had just gotten through the first round of pizzas when the waitress noticed a problem with Tuzren. A middle-aged woman with slightly graying brown hair falling down in wisps from her ponytail, she set another large pizza with extra meat in front of my girlfriend, Luna. The waitress had enough tact to not mention Luna’s half-changed state. Luna was a werewolf with a shifting problem—she couldn’t control her transmutations and was more than halfway shifted to her wolf form. “Thanks!” Luna said brightly and smiled at the woman—a simply terrifying expression if one wasn’t familiar with werewolves. The waitress smiled back and left us to our double meat everything.
Now, I studied the object of the waitress’s concern. Damn if Tuzren didn’t appear larger as he chomped merrily into the Beau Jo’s pizza. Right now, he was as large as a Labrador Retriever, whereas just a few hours earlier, he’d ride on my shoulder and I’d hardly notice him. An innocuous demon, as demons go, someone had summoned him to this plane only to abandon him because he was too small for their purposes. I had found him Dumpster-diving near Bonnie Brae Denver and took pity on him.
“Hey, Tuz, what’s the deal? We can’t feed you after midnight or ever get you wet?” I asked.
“Nah, that’s gremlins,” Tuzren said between bites. “Apparently this pizza has magical properties.” He smiled at me with cheesy goo running down his chin. “Don’t worry. It’s not permanent.”
“Good, because I’d have to have you ride in the truck’s bed,” Elryn spoke as she picked at her salad.
“Says the Elf who eats salad at the best damn pizzeria on the planet.” Tuzren pulled another slice and held it out to her between his clawed fingers. “Oh, come on. Live a little and have some.”
Elryn winced. “I’d rather not.”
“Are you a vegan?” Luna asked. “You know they have vegetarian pizza.”
“I know,” Elryn said.
“They have gluten free and dairy free,” Tuzren added. “You know, in case you’re intolerant.”
“I’m fine.” Elryn’s face said she wasn’t.
“What’s wrong, Elryn?” I added another slice to my plate. “You’ve hardly said a word since we got here.”
“I’m all right, really. I just don’t like pizza.”
I gaped. “What? Why didn’t you say something?”
“Are you even alive?” Tuzren asked. The demon had grown to about human height and about twice as wide as a normal human. His Denver Bronco t-shirt looked like a tiny afterthought on him. The chair groaned under his weight. “Everyone loves pizza. You can’t ‘not like’ pizza and be alive. Did a vamp get to you or something?”
“You know, they have pasta.” Luna opened a menu. “If it’s the tomato sauce…”
“I’m fine. Really, I am.” Elryn took a forkful of lettuce and popped it in her mouth. She chewed, making an exaggerated face of enjoyment.
“Honestly, Elryn, you could’ve said something. We could’ve gone anywhere.” I tried to meet her gaze but she looked away.
Tuzren swished his tail and accidentally knocked over two guys wearing cowboy hats who were walking behind our chairs. “Oops,” said Tuzren.
“Hey, watch where you put your tail,” the first guy said. He wore a wife-beater shirt and jeans. He also had at least a hundred pounds on me and about three inches or so in height. Even though it had just turned 11 am, the guy looked half in the tank already. His buddy wore denim that looked stylishly well-worked in. Probably a couple of guys from the resorts around here. Given how over-the-top Western they looked, it was probably for show. I bet if you quizzed them, you’d find they were from California or another urban center. Still, it was better not to piss off the locals.
“Sorry, guys,” I said. “Can we buy you a couple of beers?”
“Is that a demon?” Wife-Beater asked. He cracked his knuckles for emphasis.
“Why yes, I am,” Tuzren said, his voice an octave lower than his normal voice. He turned around and met their gaze solidly. “Is there something wrong with that?”
“Demons and Elves.” Denim-Guy spat. “They don’t belong here.”
Suddenly Beau Jo’s got very quiet. I could feel all eyes on us. I winced as I heard a growl issue from Luna. I stood up slowly, opened the wallet when I kept my badge, and flashed it to the men. “Police officer. Sirs, I don’t think you want any trouble.”
Murmuring went through the restaurant. A few teenagers, probably with fake IDs, tried to melt into their seats. Wife-beater squinted at my ID.
“That doesn’t even look real.” With that, he threw a swing.
I caught his arm in mid-throw, arm-barred it and took him down easily with an added wrist lock. His buddy held up his hands and retreated. “Hey, man, I don’t want no trouble.”
“Get out of here,” I said. Denim-Guy needed no more urging. He left.
I was handcuffing Wife-beater when an Idaho Springs police officer came in. He looked like the clean-cut average officer with the chiseled jaw and crew cut hair. My guess is he was around thirty. “I hear there was an altercation?” He walked up to me.
“Hello Officer…Duncan.” I hesitated and read the name badge. I handed him my badge. “This fellow and his cohort decided to take offense to my friends here. This one took a swing at me.”
“Officer Ironspell?” Duncan said.
Whispers and exclamations ran through the restaurant. I glanced at Elryn, who shrugged. Luna beamed at me and the demon chortled in amusement.
“Well, you’re always welcome in Idaho Springs,” Duncan offered me his hand as he grasped handcuffed Wife-beater. He glanced at the man. “Now, Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you to quit getting drunk and bothering the tourists?” He grinned at me. “A night in the drunk tank will sober him up. He’ll be fine.”
“I’m sorry, Mike,” Johnny muttered.
“I’m going to remove the handcuffs—are you going to behave?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry. Me and Jesse were just havin’ fun…”
“Doesn’t sound like fun getting in a fight with a police officer.” Duncan unhandcuffed the man and handed the cuffs back to me. “Thanks, but I’ll take him from here. Enjoy your pizza.”
“Thanks, Officer,” I said. I sat back down and looked at the cooling pizza. I wondered if they even had a microwave to reheat them.
Just as Duncan walked to the door with Johnny, Duncan’s radio went off. “Duncan, we’ve got a situation at the Gold Nugget Mine.”
The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I listened. The waitress handed me the bill.”
I glanced down. Almost $500 for pizza? I remembered the beer we had. How many had Tuzren drank? I put my credit card down and the waitress promptly scooped it up.
I glanced at Elryn, who was also listening attentively.
“Roger, that. What’s going on?” Duncan keyed the mic.
“We have tourists trapped and possible terrorists in the mine. Elevator stopped working and before communications got cut off, people were screaming and Salazar heard metal banging. He thinks it’s Drow.”
Duncan frowned and then looked at me. He pointed at Johnny. “You wait here.” He walked over to me. “What do you make of that?”
I shrugged. “Tommyknockers, maybe. Could be Hobgoblins. I’d get the Supernatural Unit of the Army involved.” I met Elryn’s gaze. She gave a slight nod.
“Good luck with that,” Duncan muttered. “You see the latest news? The National Guard and military have been called out to calm everyone down. It’ll be a week before they’ll respond. We’re it.”
“We’re? Uh, we were just here after saving the world. I really hadn’t planned on rescuing people today.”
The waitress came back. “Excuse me, sir. But your card’s been declined.”
Silence ensued. I began to stutter, but then I remembered the Hostess snack cakes. Tuzren had stolen my card and maxed it out to bring Twinkies, Ho Hos, Ding Dongs and other snack cakes to distract the troll guards at the Dark Elves’ entrance. I figured he would’ve just given them my name and address, but no. “Uh, I might have another card you can try.” I pulled out my wallet and started rooting through it. I glanced askance at Elryn, who shook her head and I felt my face flush with embarrassment. I guessed I was going to be washing dishes to make up the tab. They clearly stated “NO CHECKS.”
Duncan smiled. “Let me get that tab. I’ll expense it out to the Idaho Spring’s budget.”
I glanced at everyone in my party. Luna was laughing and Tuzren gave me a thumbs up. Elryn rolled her eyes.
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s go rescue some tourists.”
Got the final edits done today on Alchemist Rules! The new release date is September 6th, which is simply awesome! I’m so delighted the book is coming out. So, check it out, and check out the first chapter sneak peek of Alchemist Rules!
Supernaturals tend to go crazy on Mondays, and today was no exception. My partner, Officer Jim Douglas, just pulled our car into a typical Denver strip mall off Broadway and Evans and the fairies were out in force today. The little creatures were buzzing like mad hornets all along the sidewalks, causing what supernatural mayhem packs of six-inch-tall little people can do.
Normally, we wouldn’t bother to be here, but it was 10 p.m., which meant a visit to the local doughnut shop before they closed up. Yeah, laugh all you want, my partner is a stereotypical cop right down to the doughnuts. He had to have his sugar buzz, which meant fat bombs. It also meant I had to put up with his attitude since he was my fifth partner in four weeks. Right now, it was looking like he’d last the fifth week.
Even though it was a pleasant night for early April, the air was thick with smog and I decided to keep the windows up in the patrol car and avoid getting lung cancer. I’d run the air conditioner too, but it wasn’t that warm.
Instead, I picked up my book, Alchemy Magic for Beginners and leafed through the first pages until I found where I had put the book down last. The store front was so lit up, I could read the pages without the map light.
“Hey Cabbage,” Douglas jeered when he slammed the door, and swatted a Peter Pan looking creature away from his pocket protector. “Should I get you some doughnuts with sprinkles on them?”
“Ouch!” the fairy squeaked, flitting away.
I glared at Douglas. “It’s Bob. Bob Ironspell-Cabas.”
“Yeah, whatever, Cabbage.”
“Keep eating those doughnuts and they’ll be changing your name from Officer Jimmy Douglas to Officer Jimmy Dean in no time.” I added pig noises for dramatic effect.
Douglas, in his incredibly professional manner, flipped me off as he entered the doughnut shop. I thought about trying the new hex spell I read about in Alchemy Magic for Beginners, but instead flipped open my magazine of Alchemy Magic Today. Yeah, what can I say? The radio crackled as I perused the new spell of changing water into ice as a party trick.
“DPDS Car 51.”
I picked up the mic. “This is DPDS Car 51. Ironspell here.”
“Ironspell? You still in the vicinity of Washington Park?”
“Affirmative,” I said, trying to sound official.
“We got a supernatural disturbance in Washington Park. Do you copy?”
“Roger that. We’ll investigate.” I sighed and looked over at Douglas who was still at the counter trying to decide what fat bombs to buy. I tossed the magazine in the glove compartment and got out of our police cruiser. I then warded it locked. Specially made for those in the Denver Police Department Supernatural Unit, or DPDS, the car originally had been a Dodge Charger. The wards glowed and screamed to anyone with half a brain to not even think about opening it.
I ducked to avoid two fairies that nearly collided with me. Obviously lit from a sugar high. Both wore green Peter Pan type outfits—the latest rage among the current Supernatural little folk—and both were tugging on what was left of a frosted doughnut.
“Gimme that!” One shouted in a sharp little voice which promised to piece my eardrums.
“Mine! Mine! Mine!” The other shouted with a voice that could put nails on a chalkboard to shame. They tugged at the doughnut jerking back and forth while their wings were beating blindingly fast.
Some cops would’ve arrested them for disorderly conduct, but I couldn’t see being the big bully here. They weren’t driving, and they weren’t hurting anyone, no matter how annoying they might be. Once they sobered up, they’d be hit with the mother of all hangovers. Unless they started punching each other, it was just a typical night in fairyland. I walked into the doughnut shop, blindingly lit up to screw with my night vision. Douglas stood at the counter as the kid was ringing up the doughnuts.
“Can you do something about the bugs?” the kid waved at the fairies outside.
“Why, are they bothering you?” I asked.
“Yeah, they steal from the trash.”
“Maybe we’ll swat them,” Douglas said, pulling out his card to pay.
“We got other problems,” I said. “Dispatch came on.”
“Well, fuck.” Douglas picked up the bag of doughnuts and a coffee. I noted he didn’t bother to get me a coffee.
“Coffee?” I asked.
“What?” Douglas snapped, as we walked out the door.
“You owe me like…twenty cups,” I said, not bothering to hide my irritation as he walked to the driver’s side.
“Put it on my bill.” He shoved the bag of doughnuts into my hands and put the key in the door lock. It gave him a good zap. “Jesus fucking Christ, Cabbage! Do you have to do that? Most people settle on door locks, you know.”
“Oops,” I said, not feeling sorry. “You know it’s standard procedure.” I touched the car and the wards flashed, effectively neutralized. “Go ahead now.”
Douglas unlocked the car and climbed into the driver’s side. He reached for the doughnut bag, but I skittered out of reach. “Hey!” he said.
“Put it on my bill,” I said and whistled. “Hey guys! Want some doughnuts?” I shouted to the fairies.
Like moths to a flame, the little miscreants came out of hiding. Given how busy the intersection of Broadway and Evans was, I couldn’t believe how many appeared out of nowhere. Soon, I was surrounded by a swarm of hungry, buzzing fairies.
“Hey guys!” I shouted over the noise. “Quit harassing the customers around here, and I’ll give you free doughnuts on Mondays, okay?” I tossed the bag in the air. It never hit the ground.
One of the fairies flitted in front of my nose. “Is that a promise?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’ll bring you some doughnuts.”
“Deal?” I asked.
“Deal!” They all shouted in their diminutive voices. They whirled around in the air, clinging to the doughnut bag like an angry bee swarm and disappeared into the night.
I got into the car. Douglas was on the radio. “10-4, we’ll be right there.” He glared at me. “You owe me for those doughnuts, Cabbage.”
“You owe me for the coffee. Consider that paid up.”
He shot me a look and started the car. Tonight was going to be fun, I could just tell.
I was seriously debating whether or not to include A Date with a Werewolf on Amazon, seeing as you can get it free from me if you sign up for my newsletter. But, then I thought that having two books out right now makes sense and if someone is that worried about me spamming them, they should be able to buy the book anyway. So, I’ve included it in Amazon for a $2.99 price.
So, you can get both That Dragon Was in No Way My Fault and A Date with a Werewolf for reading right now on Amazon, and Alchemist Rules is now available for preorder.